Tila Tequila and Tyler’s Talent – NFL Week 1

Finally! Can We Get To The On-Field Drama?

We can call this the most dramatic NFL off-season ever now. Shawne Merriman allegedly choked and restrained Tila Tequila. And now she is steadily tweeting about it. Merriman says he was attempting to prevent Tequila from leaving his pad drunk and if you’ve ever seen the size difference between the two, you’d think Merriman could have done that with a pinky finger. If you don’t know who Tequila is or why she’s famous, congratulations, you’re very mature.

Merriman just made deadline to interrupt the monopolization of off-season and pre-season gossip by quarterbacks. Brett Favre starred in He’s Just Not That Into You 2: No Wait He Is for the second summer in a row, Ben Roethlisberger got accused of rape by a casino worker that Elmore Leonard couldn’t have character sketched and some dude named Mike Vick went back to work. Steve McNair’s life ended in a tragic morality play.

The 49ers Michael Crabtree danced into a long holdout.

The 49ers Michael Crabtree danced into a long holdout.

Michael Crabtree’s doing a Mariah Carey impression, T.J. Houshmandzadeh’s doing a Rodney Dangerfield impression, and Brandon Marshall’s doing a spot-on Jay Cutler. And/or anyone who’s ever ruined your fantasy team. Three offensive coordinators got canned and Tom Cable tuned up one of his assistants. Terrell Owens’ VH1 reality show is a snoozefest. [Not just comparatively – it’s bad. Don’t watch it.]

We can chalk some of this up to the proliferation of…you know…blogs. *points at self* The preseason’s boring for most fans. Even casual ones like hearing seedy off-field stories, though. We just made it through a perfect summer storm of them, with thundering overanalysis and lightning-quick overreactions.

Beginning Thursday, we’re finally onto the good stuff, where the drama can finally take the field. The Titans look to [metaphorically] stomp on Pittsburgh in the first game. Favre returns to Lambeau in purple in Week 8. The on-field trainwreck in Denver will be more captivating than the off-field one could ever be. The beasts in the NFC East get to slug it out again. Tom Brady returns. Parity still reigns.

Football tells better stories than any other sport because there are fewer episodes. And as unscripted as the offseason was, nothing beats the reality TV of the playoff hunt, the emerging star, the new regime. We have no idea what the storylines that will dominate the season will be. Though I have a hunch about the Broncos’ futility being must-see-TV – in this area code, anyway.

My picks for the season are below, and while I’ll probably do better than those ESPN jokers, I’ll be happy to be completely wrong. Personalities can get us through the off-season. Now it’s time to see who the real stars are, and who’s got the best ensemble cast. It’s gonna be a fun year.

Tyler Adams defends Meghan McCain and Jay-Z all day at Newsvine and writes about sports while rubbing his temples here and addresses everything else while listening to 45s at Passive Harassment.

x = makes playoffs y = wins division z = home-field advantage

The NFL lost one of its faces over the summer.

The NFL lost one of its faces over the summer.

AFC East

Patriots – y
Jets – x

AFC Central

Ravens – z

AFC South

Titans  – y
Texans – x

AFC West

Chargers – y

NFC East

Eagles – y
Giants – x

NFC Central

Packers – z

Will Favre have Minnesota in the playoffs?

Will Favre have Minnesota in the playoffs?

NFC South

Falcons – y
Saints – x

NFC West

Seahawks – x

Wild-Card Round

Seahawks beat Giants

Falcons beat Saints

Texans beat Chargers

Patriots beat Jets


Packers beat Seahawks

Eagles beat Falcons

Ravens beat Texans

Titans beat Patriots

Conference Championship

Eagles beat Packers

Titans beat Ravens


Eagles beat Titans. Media has no idea how to handle either the McNair or the Vick angle. See? It’s gonna be fun.

One Response to “Tila Tequila and Tyler’s Talent – NFL Week 1”
  1. Tyler says:

    Scores and records are for suckers. And yes, I do think Pittsburgh falls off that hard.

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